my thoughts (WARNING!!! the content of this article may be extremely random and confusing)
so here i am, trying my hand at blogging. this is an interesting experience. i joined and posted 3 articles yesterday, and someone has already read one. very interesting. i get an odd feeling when i think about an unknown person reading my personal thoughts and feelings. what a concept. i find that i don't express my emotions in a very effective manner. it is something that i am working on. i wonder how much shit other people put up with? i wonder if i take more or less shit than the average person. hmm... i wonder if i allow people to push my limits too far.
SO HERE COMES THE EXPOSED ME:
i believe i contain too much anger and frustration. i punched a hole through mom's wall one night. i am not necessarily proud that i did it, only in the fact that i actually was able to punch a hole in a wall. it was shocking to me when i had to pull my hand out of the dry-wall. it made me feel strong. i punch the doors now. i don't want mom to get mad at me again. plus i feel super guilty about damaging her house. she has worked hard and made it a beautiful place. so punching doors are my thing. it is interesting. i don't picture myself punching a hole through one of the doors. i honestly don't think i can do it. i do think that i might get bloody knuckles. it is intriguing to think about how hard i can hit something before i begin to bleed.i am very interested in pain. i like it, but don't seek it (with the exception of hitting things).
is it so weird for to like to hit things? i worry that i will want to hit people. i wonder what it is like to hit people, but i am intensely afraid of hurting someone or myself. sometimes i wonder what it feels like to hit someone in the face. i imagine about all that might be involved. the soud the face makes upon contact. the feel of my skin on theirs. would i break anything on their face? would i just miss completely? (that one cracks me up) i know i could never hit anyone. but perhaps, if there were one of those booths like the one from minority report, i don't' remember whether it was to view memories or fantasies. either way, i would like one of those. that would definately give me some actual satisfaction from this world. it would be guilt-free realizations. it is sort of like 2 chances at life. you can "virtually experience" an action that, if done in real-life, would have life-altering repercussions. being able to experience the trial, without the lasting effects of the error. ha! what a concept. i will think a little more on that...